Is it you they are dating?
Or the version of you they created?
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"Where is THAT girl? That's the girl I want to be with."
"She is right here."
I never understood it then, but I get it now. The interaction above happened with an ex of mine more than once. She always said that when looking at a specific photograph of me that was taken before I met her.
At the time, I thought she was referring to my weight. I had gained a little (read a lot) of weight since the photoshoot. Now I realise she was talking about the version of me she had put together in her head. She was looking for a Nobuhle that didn't live inside me and was slowly getting frustrated by her absence. When I served myself to her, she didn't quite like it, and I guess she didn't know how to say it to me. So she stuck it out, but I think she wanted out long before we called it quits. Damn!
Oversharer, are people dating you or their version of you?
This light bulb moment made me realise how easy it is to assume character and personality onto someone. And we do it all the time. We look at people and say things like, 'That nigga is light-skinned, he will break your heart but give you the best D!' We use people's looks and mannerisms to conclude who they are before getting to know them. And that is how we miss out on the best parts of people. Put that painting brush down and focus on the person that's in front of you.
The ex in question once said, 'You show up as a therapist and not my girlfriend. You need to stop that.'
Keep in mind that I have never been a therapist, nor have I studied to be one. She said this because I listened to what she would share with me and pointed out how her past affected her present. I gave what I thought was sound advice when she asked for it, and she didn't like it. I preferred talking things out to the dramatic exits, coupled with calling me out of my name. A part of her believed that toxicity was a sign of love, and maybe my big-ass eyes made her think I had that in me. I don't know.
I know when we meet people, we make assumptions about them. It is pretty normal. The mistake is holding onto the picture your imagination has painted and trying to force that narrative onto the other person. It completely takes away from the relationship. A part of feeling safe in a relationship is being able to be yourself. It's in knowing that you can randomly break into dance with no music on, and your partner will capture the moment and call you crazy. It's in baring the ugly parts of you and being met with an embrace.
My relationship with my ex ended for many reasons, but one of them was the fact that I couldn't be me. She almost convinced me that I was wrong for loving the way I love. I felt trapped in a cycle of misunderstandings because I was being the person she didn't want me to be. I was playing the wrong script, and I grew tired.
Listen to what people say. Sometimes, they are just unhappy that you aren't who they wanted you to be, and that is not your fault. It's ok to walk away from the situation. Someone out there wants you and nobody else. That someone is waiting!
To leaving spaces that can't accommodate us and finding joy in the ones that do! *clink clink*
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I wrote it, you might like it.
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Whew this one reminds me of some past relationships!!!!! This was good!