The Ins & Outs of Reaction Formation
with Barbs The Emotional Alchemist
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Someone I loved told me they weren't interested in keeping our relationship alive in very few words. With a broken heart, I calmly accepted and got off the phone. I could feel my chest tightening up. At some point, I thought it would physically split. For many, what would follow would be tears. That was not the case for me. I burst into a belly-deep laugh. It was so loud it bounced off the walls of my bedroom. If anyone would have been in the house with me, they would have wondered what the joke was. It was me. I was the joke.
A few days later, I decided to sit in the discomfort of my feelings. I had been avoiding addressing my feelings and drowned myself in work. I sat in front of a mirror and started a conversation with myself. Tears trickled down my cheeks, and I felt a lump build up in my throat. I held the lump as if letting it go would kill me. Then I realised I was once again blocking myself from releasing the pain. "Let it go," I told myself before letting a small scream out.
For what felt like 30 seconds, I cried loudly. Then, I started laughing with tears rolling down my face. I started questioning my inability to cry or allow pain to take over. I took a look back into the root of our breakup. I communicated about things they had done that hurt me, but my tone was very light. I also laughed as I shared this. My tone and the laughter made it seem like these things weren't all that important to me when they were. There was a clear pattern in how I handled my pain. So I googled, 'Why do I laugh when hurt or in emotional pain?' The result was Reaction Formation.
"The responses or reactions that we adopt in our adult life are embedded in us during our formative years. Being raised by people who do not believe in expressing emotions affects your ability to do so. Some parents beat up their children for simple things like crying. In Africa, you would hear the parent say, 'I will give you a reason to cry.'
Being punished for expressing emotions causes the individual to suppress them, and being rewarded for exhibiting positive emotions encourages the individual to show these more. The desire to be awarded or praised causes the individual to mask negative emotions with positivity.
These reactions are part of reaction formation. In the same light, this is a form of self-sabotage," says Barbs, The Emotional Alchemist.
I had a chat with Barbs on Reaction Formation, how it manifests itself and the effects it has on relationships. This is what she had to say.
What is Reaction Formation?
Reaction formation is a defence mechanism where someone converts an unacceptable feeling into its opposite. For example, a person who has sexual feelings towards children may start a movement or campaign towards child sexual abuse. Whilst this may be good, it negates dealing with the root cause of their feelings.
What causes it?
Childhood trauma feeds this defence mechanism. Traumatic events such as child sexual abuse trigger this. The abuser's words and actions are internalised by the abused, and they manifest in their adult life. The knowledge that their feelings are 'socially unacceptable' leads them to protect their ego from anxiety.
How does one stop?
Therapy often helps people who struggle with this defence mechanism. Addressing the source of your feelings will help you live a better life. Inner child healing and generational trauma healing are the recommended options for people who use reaction formation.
What are the effects of reaction formation on relationships?
People who live by this defence mechanism are often unyielding because they are living in fear of judgement. They may also exhibit traits of dictatorship and bullying. Their rigidness may cause their relationships to fall apart or not last long. Individuals who use reaction formation to cope also struggle with adapting to change.
Did you relate to this post? If so, please seek therapy. Healing means you live a life authentic to you.
To finding our healing and oversharing about it! *clink clink*
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