We are internalising the internet's dating advice
And it is making us love ourselves the way we feared men would
Oh my days, have I lived in Canva for the last couple of weeks! I will never judge a graphic designer again, because what a lot of work it takes to put a cohesive piece of work together. Outside of figuring out how to do this well, The Overshared Diary is coming together one story at a time. In June 2026, you will read what has left me feeling seen, what has made me laugh, and what has caused me to question myself, too. I hope you love it as much as I have.
With that said, here is today’s overshare.
Are you loving yourself the way you would a man?
There is so much content on Beyoncé’s internet about how to show up in a heterosexual relationship. Every day is a new addition to the list, and each one teaches us to show up less authentically, holding less love and vulnerability in our palms.
Don’t submit to a man; he isn’t worth that much of you. Cap your vulnerability, men will always use it against you. Date for money and never for love, because men ain’t shit. Don’t be kind to a man; they want a bitchy woman. Don’t ever help a man with his responsibilities.
Don’t do this. Don’t do that. Don’t breathe. Don’t exist. Simply, don’t.
Advice is founded on experience, and through our experiences and other people’s shared experiences, we learn and grow. But there is one little problem: not everyone learns the right lesson. If a person places a plastic plate on a hot stove and their takeaway is to never turn on a stove again, did they learn the lesson?
And that’s point number one. Take the advice with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of common sense.
The more worrying side of this story is when we start applying these don’ts from the internet to ourselves. We value ourselves according to the amount of money in our bank accounts. We disqualify ourselves from getting into certain spaces because we don’t fit the mould created by someone else. We are waiting to look the part, smell the part, and be the part. But the creativity, the ideas, the conversations we hold all speak to our belonging. So go in, everything else will catch up.
We shut the door to vulnerability within ourselves in preparation for the relationship to come. We can’t hold space to express the true, deep feelings that live inside of us. We have labelled crying as a weakness, and so even when we are locked away in our own space, we don’t feel safe enough to just let loose.
A weakness is running away from yourself. Strength is in accepting that you are hurt, disappointed, triggered, or angry. Work your way through the emotions until it all makes sense, so you can move on instead of piling emotions on top of one another.
We treat ourselves as though we deserve second-hand love. We speak to ourselves with anger and disgust. When we fail, we belittle ourselves and scoff at our own reflection. When we make a mistake, we can barely learn from it because all we see is a useless, incompetent person. When life happens to us, we are quick to say, “Of course, this would happen to you. All you carry is bad luck.”
Where is the grace we are meant to give ourselves? The grace to carry us from failure and disappointment to the point of trying again or starting over. The deprecating language closes our doors for us, and so we become our own enemies of progress. Is that who you want to be?
We not only teach people how to love us, but we also love people the way we love ourselves. Think about your primary love language. How often do you show up for people using it more than the love language they want to be loved in? And there you have it. The way you love is a mirror. And if you are loving yourself harshly, critically, and conditionally, that is exactly what you are pouring into the people around you.
The ones who deserve your softness. The ones who deserve your patience. The ones who deserve the version of you that you have been withholding from yourself. So before you ask whether the people in your life are loving you well, ask yourself if you are.
Internalising every bit of advice given in reference to heterosexual relationships will do you no favours in loving yourself. It’s not intentional, but in learning to be the unbreakable, impenetrable, strong woman, you end up loving yourself harshly.
So love yourself the way you want to love and be loved.
With an oversharing heart,
Nobuhle
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