What are you doing behind closed doors?
I hope you are loving on yourself.
Sorry, I am late. There was traffic on my to-do list!
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We talk about self-love like it's easy to do, but one thing that remains true is how hard it is to push through the veil of darkness and continue to love yourself. A few years back, I was talking to my then-friend, and I said, 'I don't see the self-love you say you have for yourself. Your space is always a mess, and you always promise yourself one thing and do the other.'
They said to me, 'I do love myself. I dress well, and when I walk, I have so much confidence. People can not ignore my presence.'
That is when I realised we barely scratch the surface when discussing self-love. We have defined it and measured it by other people's perceptions. We give ourselves to people even when we think we put ourselves first. I will be the first to say it is hard to disconnect the two. We live in a world where we are always playing to a script so we can skip the judgment. It feels easier to match the rest of the furniture than stand out in a little corner. I get it.
Playing to the script gets suffocating, though. There were days when I would feel like all I needed was a moment to scream in the woods. To stand in the middle of nowhere alone, surrounded by nothing but the echoes of my voice and rustling trees. My voice didn't exist in my head cause everyone else's was so loud. I hated being in that place. I am still on my way out, but I would like to share what self-love has looked like for me in the last couple of years.
Forgiving myself - Realising we all don't know what we are doing may have saved my life. Being a recovering people pleaser, I tend to be very hard on myself for making a mistake. It could be at work, with my partner, family member or a friend. I kick myself until my toes bruise and find myself starting to breed feelings of self-hate.
Nowadays, I quickly remind myself that it's ok to feel horrible without hating myself. I will kick and scream, then let go. There is no way to get past it without going through the emotions. So I allow it, but never for too long. Too long is always a mistake.Keeping the promises I make to myself - We are so comfortable with breaking our hearts, and that has to STOP! When I start talking myself out of a promise I made, I ask myself, 'So you have chosen to disappoint yourself?' That always reminds me that I have to show up for myself so other people can show up for me, too. I haven't gotten it right every time, but I am much better at it.
Allowing myself to be bored and rest - I used to believe in being booked and busy. There are seasons where my day would start at 3 am and end at 8 pm. I thought working myself that much made me a respectable person. I believed it earned me the title of 'hard-working woman.' Do you know what that was? A lie, that's what it was. I broke parts of my brain that I didn't know I could. My body gave up on me several times, and I couldn't find the grace to give myself. I attributed everything that was happening to me to laziness, so I pushed even harder.
Baby, rest is a part of the process. Give yourself that moment to just lay on the couch and daydream until you fall asleep. Watch that scripted reality TV show and laugh out loud. It is alright to take a break.Spending my money responsibly - When I started making decent money, I underspent it. I believed that taking care of my bills was the only responsible way to spend money, so even buying myself an ice cream cone was so hard for me to do. Then I got fed up with not giving myself what I wanted despite working so hard and became an overspender. I would do whatever I wanted and not have money for emergencies set aside, which made me want to underspend again. All the while, I was ignoring the middle ground. I started making monthly budgets that included bills, savings and my desires. Best thing I ever did!
Learning new things - If I find something that interests me, I am learning about it. There is shame in trying new things, and we need to shake it off. There isn't a limit to what you can learn or try, nor is there an age to stop. We are here to live, so do it!
Going where I am wanted - This may as well be one of the most important ones for me. I know when I am not wanted, and you do too. I don't use this in friendships and relationships only. I apply it everywhere. If I go to a restaurant and notice that I am being treated differently for whatever reason, I will leave. I am not fighting anyone to spend my money on their establishment. Count me out.
A few months back, I enquired about pricing and services at a gym close to where I live. They kindly instructed me to email them for full details, and I did. Days passed with no response, so I sent a follow-up email, but they still didn't respond. I knew what that meant, and I did not push any further. It saves me so much heartache to step aside when the evidence is clear that I am unwelcome. There are places, relationships and friendships designed for me, and that is where I will plant my love and money.
I believe self-love happens when we are alone behind closed doors. And when done right, it reflects in the way we engage with other people. If the saying, 'You teach people how to love you,' is true, then we have to become masters at loving ourselves.
To loving ourselves to death and never backing down! *clink clink*
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I love what you said about keeping promises to yourself. I've realised they are also a way of showing yourself respect and respecting your boundaries. It’s easy to brush these promises to ourselves off because we feel as if no one is watching, but they're so important to our relationship with ourselves.
Hey Nobhule I relate so much to this read and I appreciate the vulnerability that comes with writing and sharing this post . Rooting for you