When will you stop abandoning yourself?
Cause I think now will be a great time.
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There is thinking of other's needs, and then there is you and I. We have taken it one step further and forgotten that we have needs, too. Somehow, we have managed to get ourselves to a place where we are so sure that we do not matter as much. We have convinced ourselves that we are better off serving others because that is where our joy comes from. Oh, baby, that is absolute BULLSHIT!
Self-abandonment: The intricate art of abandoning our needs, wants, and thoughts to keep others happy. We, like butterflies, morph into who we need to be to keep an image up. (Maybe butterflies weren't the correct comparison, but you get it, right?)
If you are reading this and thinking, 'That's not me,' let me ask you a few questions.
How often have you taken blame for something because you are avoiding conflict?
When last did you hide your feelings to avoid ruffling feathers?
Are you the perfect friend/ partner/ sibling who never lets anyone down?
If you couldn't count the number of times you took the blame, hid your feelings last week, and are obsessed with perfectionism, welcome to the club! Self-abandonment is a learned behaviour meaning you can unlearn it. But where did we get it from? There are multiple ways to adopt this behaviour, but one of the common ways is our feelings and emotions being ignored at a young age. Another common cause is when we are forced to bargain for love and affection by behaving a certain way or achieving set goals.
An excellent example is being forced into a parental role at a young age. I know my first-born girlies understand this one very well. Children aren't meant to be given such big responsibilities, but when it happens, it forces them to cater to their siblings whilst abandoning themselves. Another example found in most African households is when parents expect older siblings to give up their belongings, space or time to the younger siblings. You will hear them say, 'You are the older one. Give the child.' In doing so, they communicate that the older child's needs, feelings and attachment to things aren't valid. Later in life, they don't know how to show up for themselves or express their feelings and needs to people.
P.S. They are us. We are them.
When I was younger, I would share my dreams with loved ones. I wanted to be a singer, but someone crushed that dream when they said, 'You can't sing.' Their voice rang in my head whenever I tried to sing, and it choked me up. Then, I shifted from that to fashion design but was told I needed to find something else to do because I was leading my little sisters down a path of mediocrity. There seemed to be nothing that I did or worked towards that was worth the praise, love or affection I craved.
I saw how other children were praised and awarded for being who they were expected to be, and I wanted that, so I tried to be everything else but being the creative I am. I considered being a banker, nurse, and merchandiser. I took a business class that I have never used to date. Then I found myself exhausted from dipping in and out of shoes that weren't mine, but the praise came along, so I tried to hold on until it hurt too much. I let go.
I decided to use my creative gifts. I was happier. The downside was I still believed that going out of my way was the answer. And that manifested in multiple ways. I was too understanding when people couldn't pay what I quoted. When they would share stories of how they had dreams and not enough money, I would cave. I woke up one day underpaid and overworked. I became a workaholic because I hoped that even though I had taken a path farther from what was expected of me, it would count if I succeeded. WRONG!
I helped loved ones when I couldn't afford to because I wanted to prove I was worth loving. Even when I knew what was right for me, I second-guessed my decisions because it felt like everyone else knew better than me. So, I sought reassurance. When I would achieve something, it never felt worth the celebration. I felt like I needed to do more or better. Let's not talk about the times I made mistakes. Forgiveness of self was unavailable.
I am not writing this because I have unlearned the behaviour. I am writing because I am picking it apart. And believe me when I say so much of what we think is not self-abandonment actually is. We talk about the surface level of abandonment, but I hope my share enlightens you on how it touches different parts of our lives and how deep it can go.
Dear Oversharer,
I hope you remember who you are and release yourself from the shackles of those who chose not to shower you with love and affection when you needed it. I hope that when you pick this behaviour apart, you learn to love yourself with grace and forgiveness. I hope that you can show up for yourself the way you show up for the people you love. And lastly, I hope that the cycle of self-abandonment ends with you.
To kicking self-abandonment's ass and loving ourselves graciously! *clink clink*
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