Why do we only believe compliments from people who have hurt us?
Why we sabotage compliments and the self-perception work that changes everything.
You haven't heard from me about the magazine in a while, so here is an update. The launch was set for this month, but three contributors have not signed their agreements, which means I cannot publish their stories. Rather than delay without purpose, I have decided to reopen submissions to fill those spots. If you would like your story published in The Overshared Diary, send your pitch below. Tell a friend to tell a friend!
P.S. I am sorry this week’s overshare landed late. There was traffic on my to-do list.
I went out for my walk this morning for two reasons. To keep the promise I made to myself in 2023 and to catch some fresh air. As a person who works from home, leaving the house has to be an intentional effort. I live at the top of a hill, so going back home means walking uphill no matter what. As I approached the uphill climb, I braced myself.
Across the street were two high schoolers who stopped, turned around and said to me, “Keep doing what you are doing. You look great.”
Obviously, that made me feel so good. The adrenaline kicked in a little extra, and the uphill climb didn’t feel as bad as I had anticipated. The steeper the climb, the more I started to question the kind words the teens said to me.
“Do I even look great?”
“They were just being kind. What else could they say?”
And just as I was building this make-believe story, a lady said to me, “I wish I were brave enough to do what you are doing.”
What came out of my mouth was encouragement, but what happened in my head was completely different. I questioned the word brave. It felt like too big a word to be used to describe me.
Strangers saw me, recognised my effort, and saw beauty in me, but I was undoing it because I didn’t see any of it in myself. All of these people could have said absolutely nothing. They had conversations to hold with the people they were with, and I was just a stranger walking past them.
How many times have you picked compliments and encouragement apart because you simply do not see yourself in that light?
We want to be seen. We want to be complimented. We want to be praised. But we only accept it when it’s from certain people. People whom we have given this responsibility without their knowledge. So when we receive it from other people, we do one of two things. We either sabotage it or take it to the people we want to hear it from as bait for them to compliment us.
It is an unhealthy way to look at life and to treat yourself.
I know for sure that if any of these compliments had come from people who had body-shamed me in the past, I would have received them with open arms. I would have gotten home and danced with joy. It would have felt more credible. And as I think about it now, I am a little disgusted with how attached I am to the idea of proving myself to people who only speak when they are pointing out something wrong in or with me.
Note to me and you: Only we get to break that pattern, and it starts with releasing the expectations we have placed on people. Most people see the good work you are doing, but they will never say so. So put more value and intention into seeing yourself clearly. Because once you master that, you will stand on solid rock.
With an oversharing heart,
Nobuhle
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