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There is a desire that lives in me that I often talk myself out of, and I do not know why. I have been in love. I have been taken care of and felt seen in relationships. But I can not help but think about the beautiful experiences I see in the movies. The experiences that are painted by the words in romantic novels. Logic says, 'Stop it Nobuhle, those are just scripts.' But are they JUST scripts?
Writers don't just write. They write what they have seen or experienced to a certain extent, right? It's not all make-believe. So why do other people get to experience it and people like me don't?
Never have I ever been wined and dined. I want someone to pick out a dress and some heels and ask me to be ready by 7 pm. I want to be curious about where we are going and what awaits me there. Only to arrive and it's a restaurant I have spoken about before. We have some good food, dessert, and conversation before heading home to a warm bed. *wink wink* I want thoughtful dates filled with fun activities. I yearn for that with all my heart and soul. (It feels so weird to say this out loud)
Sometimes, I wonder if it is my fault that I have not experienced this. And I will tell you why I think this. In my country, there is a saying that goes, 'mwana asingacheme anofira mumbereko,' which loosely translates to a child who does not cry will die while strapped on the mother's back. I am the child. I have never expressed my desire for this, so I get what I get. And maybe a part of me fears voicing it out and being ridiculed for desiring it. But the desire is about to choke me to death.
I hate that for myself, honestly! I hate that over the years, I have convinced myself that I am not the girl who deserves that kind of love or experience. That somehow, my DNA rejects these gestures on my behalf. I have carved myself to fit into the box created for me by whomever I am with at the time. I sit and say, 'Well, that was cute, be grateful.'
I can already hear someone saying, 'Do it for yourself.' I probably will, but we have to admit how much that sucks! How did we get here? It feels like we have driven ourselves into lonesome territory. I have been on solo dates, and I have enjoyed them and hated them.
There is no one to talk to about the aura, aesthetics, and the food. So we pull out our phones to record some boomerangs so someone on the internet can virtually keep us company. And that only works if you are cool enough to get a like or comment. It's awkward unless you find a table that faces the wall, and nobody ever meets your eye. You try to stay off your phone so it feels authentic to the experience. It is a cringefest!
Sadly, I may have to cringe my way to the experience. The little girl in me wants to go to pottery classes and make a mess, so I will. She wants to dress up and go for dinner, so I will. She wants to release her anger by smashing things to pieces, I will give her that. Maybe her cries will die out, and she will find some peace. Maybe one day, I will unlearn this ideology that I am the girl who deserves less. On that day, I will ask for everything I have ever wanted.
Today's post feels like a rant, but it is not. I am showing you the effects of not asking for what you want, what makes you happy. My story shows what happens when you are trying to escape the 'too much' label. I know my black girls understand that one. When you quiet the parts of you that may chase the suitors (or friends) away, you suffocate the little girl inside you. You are not the girl that deserves less, Oversharer. You deserve it ALL!
To asking for what we want and standing on business. *clink clink*
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Trigger Warning: Suicide
- shared her struggle with suicidal thoughts over the years. Her vulnerability is so beautiful to read. Please take heed of the trigger warning before diving into How to NOT Kill Yourself.
- talks about the downside of keeping yourself to yourself, a thing that we often do in the name of ‘not burdening the people we love.’ Read this here Stop Keeping Yourself to Yourself.
I live for a proclamation. Saying it out loud and infusing the energy of creation itself. Thank you ✨
I relate to this so much. Thanks for being vulnerable with us.