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She made a mistake. It was a combination of bad decisions, the wrong friends, and the urge to fit in. Her life felt like it stood still. She lost friends. She lost the respect of people she considered strangers. She was the main topic, and not in a good way. The energy that surrounded her was waiting for her failure. The words the world fed her were not of strength. She developed a hatred for herself that no one could ever give her. She bathed in it, chewed on it and engraved it on the soles of her feet. The shame was visible in her shadow.
Years went by, and that mistake guided the way she presented herself. It shaped the way she spoke to herself and about herself. It poured into the way she responded to mistakes later in her life. Her head always hung low, and her voice was lower than everybody's. She couldn't see herself as anything more than the mistake she made. Even on days she thought she was over it, it crept up like an evil demon to remind her that SHE did it. She ruined her life, and nobody else was to blame for the decisions she had made that one night.
Would she ever forgive herself?
She is me. Sixteen years later, it finally hit me. I have allowed the guilt from a mistake I made when I was 16 years old to define me and my worth.
I got expelled from school because of a boy. During vacation school, my ex (he was already my ex at this time) and his friend snuck into the girl's dormitory. I was not part of the plan, but that has never mattered in the story because I had a choice to make after he found his way to me. I could have asked him to leave. I could have reported their presence to the prefects immediately. The options existed, but I didn't use them. And the result was shame, pain and embarrassment. Missionary boarding schools know how to make you feel like the scum of the earth when you make a mistake, and we were not the exception.
I was hurt because I was labelled as rebellious. Yet I knew that deep down, I was not. Nobody cared that I was ambushed by those boy's presence. It was just enough that I was part of the crew that had broken the rules. I was the villain in a story I did not script.
I was hurt because I had hurt my then-boyfriend. He became the laughing stock because his girlfriend was supposedly chowed by a younger boy. It angered me because that boy didn't kiss or touch me that night, but the truth was boring. Everyone preferred the spicy story. I was hurt because I had brought all this shame to him. He didn't deserve that.
I was hurt because I disappointed my parents. They trusted me to represent myself well and focus on my books. I had gone through four years of school, and never had they been called because I was in trouble. I was a few months away from my final exams, and I tripped. I could feel the pain in their voices, and it pierced my heart because it also tainted their eyes.
For the 16 years that followed, I looked in the mirror, and all I saw was a girl destined to disappoint. I saw a girl who had already failed at life. This limiting belief affected how I showed up in people's lives, my work and for myself. When something negative happened, I thought, 'Of course, this would happen to you. It's all you deserve anyway.' I shrunk myself.
I did pass my exams after that incident. Not as well as I should have, but I made it past the finish line, wounded as I was. I later failed my sixth year. I went on to study fashion and was at the top of my class. I learnt how to design websites and social media management. I practised how to write until I was paid for it. This girl is not a failure. She is just a girl who made a mistake years ago that she latched onto for too long. She has done well for herself, disappointments and all.
Girl, you are not your mistakes. You can acknowledge your bad choices, but who hasn't made those? Our good and bad decisions teach us lessons, and that is it. Don't let the regret and guilt convince you otherwise. Wallow in your pain, but never let it lead your life. Too long is always a mistake anyway. I missed out on myself because I dove too deep into the guilt. If you are swimming in that pool today, pull yourself out! It is time to forgive yourself and truly let go.
To saying goodbye to regret and guilt! *clink clink*
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I wrote it, you might like it!
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This is deeply personal. Thanks for sharing this with us, and I'm glad that you pulled through despite everything.