You will always miss her...
...and she will always be a part of you!
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There are days I miss the younger me. The girl who believed that everything was possible. The girl whose anxiety was manageable and didn't have her feeling like she could pass out at any moment. I want to be the girl who dances without worrying about being judged by the world. I miss the days when I didn't try to swallow my emotions and pretend to be well. When positive talk wasn't my solution to all my problems like it is today. If I could reach into history, I would pull her back in and never let her go.
But I also wonder if she would survive the world she is living in today. She has been orphaned for 25 years and has grief saddled on her shoulder. From 1999, she has buried her parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins, a friend and a nephew. Grief drives her. She lived through doubt that was moulded by everyone who didn't see who she was. Her body changed, and she wasn't allowed to forget how ugly she was because of it.
"Her stomach danced more than she did. Did you see it?" he said, and our classmates laughed.
That was the day she let go of dance and became conscious about moving her body in any way. Even in private, she saw nothing but a girl whose stomach danced first. She was teased for being too emotional, so one day, she decided she would forget how to cry and soldier on. Years later, all she wants to do is cry, but her tears have learnt not to show up.
She has tried, succeeded and failed. She has been rejected in spaces she thought she belonged. She has made and lost friends. She has loved and been heartbroken. She has given up, and she has endured. She has been to the school of life, and it has changed her dearly. And maybe that is who she needs to be today.
The girl who isn't afraid to try, even when anxiety leads the way. The girl learning to dance again because she realises that the boy's voice shouldn't rule her world. She needs to be the girl that cheers herself on when the world is silent. The girl who's learning to love and trust again without forgetting what broke her before. She needs to be the girl that chooses to learn, start over, and overshare.
That is who I am today. I will always miss the old me, but I am ready to say farewell to her. She served her time, and parts of her are still with me. The not so lady-like laugh, the goofiness and the love to create. And I am grateful she lets me have those parts of her.
Dear Oversharer,
I hope you take the time to embrace the new version of you now and again. Life changes us even when we don't want to. At no point are you going to be perfect, and that is alright. To be fair, nobody has a clue what perfect would even look like. So just be you! And when you decide to let go of the old you, take Rihanna on the ride with you.
Lots of love,
Bu
To loving ourselves every step of the way! *clink clink*
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Can relate to wishing i would go back to being the girl i was before life hardships, for the longest time i was mourning her. I would tell new friends" you would have loved me then", but now i think the mourning is mostly done, even though I'll always have a softspot for her in my heart I have to let her go, we can remain the same our whole lives and Im looking forward to meeting new versions of me.