Sometimes you are THAT friend...
...and that's okay.
Sorry I am late, there was traffic on my to-do list!
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'If they want to they will.'
This statement has been used a lot when it comes to heterosexual relationships. And yes, you and I have tapped into it. To be fair, it is not incorrect. People show up for the people they love. Add to that, they show up the way the other person understands and appreciates. It's beautiful to watch and experience.
But recently when this rang in my head it was about a friendship. I felt a tinge of frustration because I realised that every time we spoke, I would have started the conversation. I would have gone the extra mile to check in on them. Yes, when I do, the conversation goes deeper than just the hello's but it bothered me so much.
My brain went into overdrive and I was making decisions such as, 'I am never looking for them again!' I wanted my silence to ring so loud that they picked up their phone to check if I was alive. I felt like I was worth so much more than being the friend who chased them. I wanted the chase to be just as equal. It is not an unreasonable ask, right?
You are right it is not. But I realised how hypocritical I was being. There are friendships where I am just the same. I too do not speak to or look for them as frequently as they do if at all. And I am willing to bet that they feel what I feel every time they miss me and realise they HAVE to be the first to message or call me. The shame I felt could have swallowed me whole (it did, for a whole minute).
This little scolding moment made me realise why these friendships exist. The truth is not everyone fits into the same friendship 'group.' The same way we rank our friends in our lives is the same way other people are ranking us in their lives. It doesn't make the love any less, it is just a difference in the bonds we create.
For example, the friend who calls me only ever calls when they need advice from me. It used to bother me because I felt like they took so much from me without filling up my cup in return. Then I realised, I was looking at it all wrong. I am the person they trusted with their issues. They felt safe enough to pour out to me. I lost nothing by filling that space in their life. So I accepted it and sat in that spot very comfortably (with boundaries).
Sometimes you are the light that someone else needs. The problem is we are so accustomed to feeling used that we shake people off instead of seeing their needs. The unfortunate truth is, as women, we are incredibly selfish. It takes actual effort to step out of ourselves and see the other side of the story. Girl, step out and be the light because I guarantee you, someone else is standing as your light too.
All friendships aren't equal. That's just life! Now get off your high horse and celebrate the beautiful and unique friendships you have. Text them when you miss them. Set up dates when you are in their city. Send them a birthday gift and maybe they will send you one too. Just live life and love as much as you can. You give love, you get love.
Remember to STEP OUT OF YOURSELF. (Note to self)
To loving friendships and shining our light. *clink clink*
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Thank you for writing about this! I absolutelyagree. Another perspective: what helps me to understand is to see every relationship as they are (like who I am in this friendship and who this other person is in this friendship), if my needs towards that person are met & theirs, too, and if I am able to listen to the other person. As long as my behaviour is not hurting myself, meaning if I only listen but I want to express a need, the listening then is actually suppressing my need to express. I did that so much in my life, that I started to get angry at my friends, because they did not listen to me. But I never expressed that I needed to be listened to. So in away, my behaviour was hurting myself, not them not listening to me. But I also have friendships where listening is absolutely not hurting myself, cause it overlaps with my need to support or be present for my friend. Of course I don't have to express myself all the time, compromising is important too. As long as I behave in ways that isn't hurting myself on the long run, I am always okay. I feel like we make the balance in knowing what I need to ensure a safe emotional balance from my side, and therefore providing a safe emotional space for my friend.
LOVED this read and excited to have discovered your Substack! I am new here but in my first post, I wrote about my mission to give more than I take. This post reminded me of that mission. Here's to living and loving as much as we absolutely can! 💛