LOVED this read and excited to have discovered your Substack! I am new here but in my first post, I wrote about my mission to give more than I take. This post reminded me of that mission. Here's to living and loving as much as we absolutely can! 💛
Thank you for writing about this! I absolutelyagree. Another perspective: what helps me to understand is to see every relationship as they are (like who I am in this friendship and who this other person is in this friendship), if my needs towards that person are met & theirs, too, and if I am able to listen to the other person. As long as my behaviour is not hurting myself, meaning if I only listen but I want to express a need, the listening then is actually suppressing my need to express. I did that so much in my life, that I started to get angry at my friends, because they did not listen to me. But I never expressed that I needed to be listened to. So in away, my behaviour was hurting myself, not them not listening to me. But I also have friendships where listening is absolutely not hurting myself, cause it overlaps with my need to support or be present for my friend. Of course I don't have to express myself all the time, compromising is important too. As long as I behave in ways that isn't hurting myself on the long run, I am always okay. I feel like we make the balance in knowing what I need to ensure a safe emotional balance from my side, and therefore providing a safe emotional space for my friend.
Self awareness is key in all relationships. This morning I did read a newsletter that talked about the dangers of keeping yourself to yourself and one of the points made was we suppress our feelings because we think they will be too heavy for others. So we pretend to be ok for so long that they think we never have negative feelings. In turn we have robbed those people out of a choice to be present.
I am so happy to hear that you managed to pause and let your friends know that you needed a listening ear too. Well done!
This is sooo true and something we (as women) often don’t want to admit.
The truth of the matter is - there’s levels to friendships. It’s possible that we do it inadvertently, but we compartmentalize relationships each time we make a connection. Work friends. Substack buddies. Best friends. When I see you outside we’re friendly. When I need to vent, she’s there. 🫠
But as you stated - when we take a step back and remember this, I think we save ourselves from ruining relationships because most of the time - while they may not be the main friendships, they still fill a void in our lives.
"while they may not be the main friendships, they still fill a void in our lives." Why didn't I think of that line!? Lol
You are absolutely right. The same way bonds aren't equal in families, they aren't equal in friendships. Now to unlearn this thing we have held onto for so long...
Oh the delicate dance of friendships. I definitely can relate to friendships where I’m the proactive one and friendships where someone else is the driver.
Thank you for sharing my work, Nobuhle! I’m glad liked it. I really enjoyed reading this because it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Realising all friendships aren’t equal and accepting the nuances of individual relationships rather than fretting over why they don’t conform to an image in your mind is so much better for you and your friends. Thank you for sharing!
The imagination game! We play this one even with our romantic interests. I remember when I was dating this girl and one day as she looked at an old photo of mine she said, 'where did this girl go?' And I responded, 'she is right here.'
It later clicked that she had imagined me to be someone else and was disappointed with the real version of me. Which meant the relationship was not what she imagined either. Girl!
It's true that we have friends who fit different purposes in our lives, and that we should also be aware that this is also the case on their side.
I have also found myself thinking about why my relationship with friend A isn't like the one I have with friend B. I had to accept that we play different roles in people's lives, just as they do in ours.
You just reminded me of a time I thought a friend hated me because they did not invite me out to places with them or tell me their life achievements. I would learn about all of these things on social media. I was so angry because I shared things with them immediately.
Its heartbreaking to learn where you belong especially if you had put them on a pedestal. Years later I realised how different we were and that I was in the right place in their lives. Today we talk when we talk, and everything else is a social media interaction.
LOVED this read and excited to have discovered your Substack! I am new here but in my first post, I wrote about my mission to give more than I take. This post reminded me of that mission. Here's to living and loving as much as we absolutely can! 💛
And it is always so much harder to give more than we take. I often have to kick myself out of self-absorption.
To giving more than we take, or at least finding the balance. Lol *clink clink*
Thank you for writing about this! I absolutelyagree. Another perspective: what helps me to understand is to see every relationship as they are (like who I am in this friendship and who this other person is in this friendship), if my needs towards that person are met & theirs, too, and if I am able to listen to the other person. As long as my behaviour is not hurting myself, meaning if I only listen but I want to express a need, the listening then is actually suppressing my need to express. I did that so much in my life, that I started to get angry at my friends, because they did not listen to me. But I never expressed that I needed to be listened to. So in away, my behaviour was hurting myself, not them not listening to me. But I also have friendships where listening is absolutely not hurting myself, cause it overlaps with my need to support or be present for my friend. Of course I don't have to express myself all the time, compromising is important too. As long as I behave in ways that isn't hurting myself on the long run, I am always okay. I feel like we make the balance in knowing what I need to ensure a safe emotional balance from my side, and therefore providing a safe emotional space for my friend.
Self awareness is key in all relationships. This morning I did read a newsletter that talked about the dangers of keeping yourself to yourself and one of the points made was we suppress our feelings because we think they will be too heavy for others. So we pretend to be ok for so long that they think we never have negative feelings. In turn we have robbed those people out of a choice to be present.
I am so happy to hear that you managed to pause and let your friends know that you needed a listening ear too. Well done!
Absolutely! And we are complex, we can't be the same person to the friend all the time. Attention shifts over years as needs change as well.
This is sooo true and something we (as women) often don’t want to admit.
The truth of the matter is - there’s levels to friendships. It’s possible that we do it inadvertently, but we compartmentalize relationships each time we make a connection. Work friends. Substack buddies. Best friends. When I see you outside we’re friendly. When I need to vent, she’s there. 🫠
But as you stated - when we take a step back and remember this, I think we save ourselves from ruining relationships because most of the time - while they may not be the main friendships, they still fill a void in our lives.
"while they may not be the main friendships, they still fill a void in our lives." Why didn't I think of that line!? Lol
You are absolutely right. The same way bonds aren't equal in families, they aren't equal in friendships. Now to unlearn this thing we have held onto for so long...
Oh the delicate dance of friendships. I definitely can relate to friendships where I’m the proactive one and friendships where someone else is the driver.
The art of learning to decentre ourselves is where the struggle lives.
🙏🏽😊
Thank you for sharing my work, Nobuhle! I’m glad liked it. I really enjoyed reading this because it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Realising all friendships aren’t equal and accepting the nuances of individual relationships rather than fretting over why they don’t conform to an image in your mind is so much better for you and your friends. Thank you for sharing!
The imagination game! We play this one even with our romantic interests. I remember when I was dating this girl and one day as she looked at an old photo of mine she said, 'where did this girl go?' And I responded, 'she is right here.'
It later clicked that she had imagined me to be someone else and was disappointed with the real version of me. Which meant the relationship was not what she imagined either. Girl!
It's true that we have friends who fit different purposes in our lives, and that we should also be aware that this is also the case on their side.
I have also found myself thinking about why my relationship with friend A isn't like the one I have with friend B. I had to accept that we play different roles in people's lives, just as they do in ours.
Thanks for the newsletter, Natasha!
You just reminded me of a time I thought a friend hated me because they did not invite me out to places with them or tell me their life achievements. I would learn about all of these things on social media. I was so angry because I shared things with them immediately.
Its heartbreaking to learn where you belong especially if you had put them on a pedestal. Years later I realised how different we were and that I was in the right place in their lives. Today we talk when we talk, and everything else is a social media interaction.