Your boundaries aren't for defence
You are not a victim, you are just a human being learning to love.
If you prefer to listen, press play!
I was mindlessly scrolling on TikTok one night and came across Michael Curtis' video where he talks about holding space for relationships that dont seem to feed into you.
He says "I just do not have any more space in my life for things that I have to question. I dont have any more space to question people's intentions [or] to question people's motives. I have now gotten to the place in my life, where it is just this simple. How you show up is how you feel. And I am going to use the language that you show me through your actions to determine exactly what you are, who you are and how you feel about me. I am not going to get stuck anymore in a place of trying to decipher and [trying to] justify anyone's actions. When someone loves you, [when someone] cares for you, [when someone] wants to see you do better, their actions will line up with their words. That goes for friends, family, jobs and significant others. It really is just that simple. No more time can be wasted in trying to figure out what is clear as day. Remember who you are."
And I know many of us relate to what he says in this video. I know my girls would say, 'I felt that!' It's hard to be in spaces where you can't tell if you are seen, heard or loved. Actually, the right thing to say is that it SUCKS! The feelings force you to question how genuine the other person is to you. You start to see how much of yourself you give, and it feels like they give nothing back. Feelings of emptiness emerge. But what if the emptiness you feel is NOT their fault?
It's easy to feel like a victim and play the part very well without confirming the complexity of any relationship. That TikTok took me through a whirlwind of emotions because I questioned who I am in other people's lives. Do I leave people wondering if they matter to me? Do I take more than I give? Am I the problem?
We can talk about red flags all we want, but we will continue to attract people who hurt us if we can't be the friends, sisters, bosses or life partners we want for ourselves. We can disqualify people for mistakes they make or the pain they cause, but sometimes WE are the reason for our isolation.
And I want to ask you a question today. Are your boundaries a defence or a guide for the well-being of your relationships? Sit with that for a moment.
I am guilty of weaponising my boundaries by not allowing the next person a chance to understand or learn my triggers. I had a wall built halfway up with every relationship. It took one misstep for me to close the door and label them insensitive (and many other things). There was no chance of reconciliation. I was out of people's lives faster than you could say sabotage. The pushback was very harsh and always left me bruised. I talked myself into the untrue belief that I was unwanted and ALWAYS misunderstood. I became the person people couldn't hold space for.
But one thing about life is it will give a good lesson. I learnt that moving in defence mode won't only rob you of adventurous, beautiful relationships. It becomes your price tag, and I know you and I are worth way more than that cheapskate. And baby, it will wear you out because you are forever fighting even when you do not need to. Put those weapons down Oversharer!
Side note: I am not discounting the draining relationships we will or have come across in life. All I am saying is we can't always be the victims.
With that said, here is a little challenge for you and me. In the spirit of building long-lasting relationships in 2024, check yourself. Which parts of YOU have consistently affected your relationships? And how are you going to fix it?
Take your time to think about this, once ready, come and overshare in the comment section. *clink clink*
“ I am guilty of weaponising my boundaries by not allowing the next person a chance to understand or learn my triggers.”
I am guilty of this. We are not always the victim, we need to re-evaluate ourselves and learn to have difficult conversations with those in our life. From there, then we decide whether or not we will be able to continue being friends or do we need to our separate ways
Your writing is always so thoughtful and incisively relevant! A wonderful read!