10 Things I Wish I Knew About Sex in my 20s

Ruth Ramsay tells all!

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Let’s talk about sex baby! If I had to make a list of things I am angry at the world for, sex education would be in my top 3. Men are taught they deserve it, women are taught they should just give it. Where is the pleasure aspect? It’s in this post where Ruth Ramsay shares 10 things about sex from experience and expertise.

Ruth Ramsay, is an adult sex educator and coach, aged 49. She writes Something For The Weekend were she shares juicy details about sex! For coaching, workshops and more head over to www.ruthramsay.com.

Ruth Ramsay

In my 20s I thought I was having good sex. It looked somewhat like a porn film and we always orgasmed (or at least, my partners thought we always did…). When I was single I had fun with casual flings, and in longer relationships sex was intimate and varied, at least for the first year or two. I experienced far more orgasmic pleasure on my own, but didn’t overthink why that wasn’t happening so much with partners.

My 30s took me on a sex education journey, which started when I was asked to review a new book about female pleasure. By my mid-30s sex was a whole new experience, and now at 49, it’s better than ever.

Becoming a sex coach in my early 40s has given me an insight into others’ sex lives too.

Looking back, what do I wish I had known in those earlier years…?

Note: I am a cisgender heterosexual woman, and some of my tips reflect that but much are applicable whatever your gender and orientation.

1. Talk about it!

I don’t remember talking about sex with partners in my teens and 20s. With my first partner, we didn’t even look each other in the eye.

There’s a taboo around ‘needing to talk’ about sex. We only hear about that in the context of ‘dirty talk’ or arguments. But in what other partnered activity, would we expect things to go well without talking about it? Imagine trying to cook dinner together without talking about what you fancy eating, hunger levels, how spicy you want it, or how well-cooked you prefer it?

You can get comfy quickly by listening to educational sex podcasts. Hearing the words said out loud a) teaches you what they are and how they are pronounced, and b) normalises them.

2. Men are as varied as women

I am writing this as a cisgender heterosexual woman. I knew that mainstream porn didn’t represent what would give me the most pleasure. But I didn’t stop to think how it might not represent the guys I was sleeping with, either.

Now as a coach, one of the exercises I do with clients is the Erotic Blueprints. It’s a quiz which puts you into one or two of five sexual types. One of these is ‘Sexual’ and describes basically how heterosexual men are expected to be in mainstream Western society. But in fact, genders are split throughout the Blueprints.

I had a client describe her partner as “The standard Western male – pretty basic, you know?”. Her sex life with him went through the roof when I did some work with him. He was able to tap into his sensuality and creativity instead of conforming to the labels he had been given.

We need to be curious and open minded about what our partners actually want and need -whatever their gender - instead of making assumptions.

3. There are more orientations than ‘straight’ and ‘bi’ and ‘gay’

I grew up in the 1980s, when diversity of orientations wasn’t understood. Even the concept of bisexuality was new. Being in your 20s now, you have awareness and information I didn’t have. I wish I had known! Learn as much as you can and be open minded to others’ identities.

4. Your “No” needs to be heard

People brought up/socialised as women are told it’s not polite to say ‘no’. But in sex, it’s crucial. If we can all say ‘no’, then we can relax into what we are enjoying together, knowing we will speak up if we are not happy.

You can start this and set the right pattern the first time you are getting sexually intimate with someone. Tell them “You can tell me what you do and don’t like, and I’ll do the same for you. We don’t need to try to be mind-readers. If it’s anything other than epic, just tell me so.”

Think how much energy goes into “Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying this?”… or “I wish they would do that faster/slower/stop doing that”. Imagine if we could just speak up if we weren’t happy – especially if we were feeling a ‘no’. We can set that example ourselves.

5. Female orgasm with a partner takes a while

I thought for years there was something wrong with me. I would be in bed with a guy I fancied, and he would be doing things that felt good… but several minutes later I hadn’t orgasmed. I thought my body was faulty. Typically I faked, rather than have a conversation about it.

Then I read ‘She Comes First’ by Dr Ian Kerner and learnt that even when things are all going great, it usually takes longer than ten minutes. Next I found research that showed the average time it takes a woman to cum, in sex with a long term partner, is 13.5 minutes of the right type of stimulation for her. Twenty minutes is still in the ‘normal’ range.

Wow. There was nothing wrong with me! I just hadn’t been waiting long enough. I could cum through masturbation in a matter of minutes and had been expecting it to take not much longer with a partner. If I’d known this statistic and given things more time, I could have been experiencing a lot more pleasure.

6. The contraceptive pill can dampen sexual response, as can antihistamines, antidepressants and various medications

Loss of sexual sensation, functioning or libido can be a side effect of a lot of different medications. Be aware of this and if sex is important to you, don’t settle for it. Tell your medical providers and try a different type of medication.

7. Faking orgasms is never the right thing to do (with one exception)

Faking is teaching your partner how NOT to please you. In a long term relationship (or a casual arrangement that could become long term) this is signing a pleasure death-warrant. In a casual hook-up, it’s doing a disservice to the people that person will go on to sleep with.

Lots of research shows that between 60 and 90 per cent of women say they have faked orgasms. But again and again men (clients or others I am chatting to about sex) tell me confidently “No woman has ever faked it with me”. Hmmmm.

Guys are walking around thinking they are sexual deities - because their partners have faked it.

Let’s aim to be brave and honest and break this cycle. I know it’s scary. If you’re in a relationship, watch my ‘How To Please A Woman In Bed’ workshop with your partner. I have had emails from women and couples about how it stopped them from faking.

The exception? You’re in a situation with someone who won’t listen when you say “I’ve had a great time but orgasm isn’t going to happen for me, let’s stop now”. And their response is, “No, no, let’s keep going, I am going to make you cum!” ‘MAKE’ you cum? Ugh, your orgasm is yours to have! If you do not feel physically safe with the person you are having sex with then prioritise your safety, fake it, and get out of there. Whether you message and tell them the next day or not, is your call.

8. No one ‘makes you’ cum

Let’s keep on that ‘no one makes you cum’ topic. Your orgasm is yours. Someone else can help create the environment and stimulation for it to happen but they don’t ‘make you’ cum. Reclaim your orgasm as your own and take responsibility for it, stop waiting for a partner to ‘give’ it to you.

When I coach midlife women who are unhappy sexually, they tell me, “Sex has always been something that’s been done to me. I’ve consented and often enjoyed it, but it’s been about what my partner wants to do to me. Ultimately about their pleasure. I’ve never had sex for me.”

Have sex for you. Honour your orgasm as something wonderous that your body and brain create. The other participant is honoured to play a supporting role.

9. Desire doesn’t have to be spontaneous

Do you never feel like sex, but then enjoy it when you have it and think “I/we should do this more often”? Then you likely have ‘responsive’ desire. And as a woman (or a 40+ man) it’s normal.

In responsive desire, you need an appealing sexy scenario going on, to start to want sex. If you wait to feel horny before you take any action, it’ll never happen.

This does NOT mean engaging in sexual contact or acts that you don’t want. It’s being open minded to, “Right now I don’t feel like it, but if we have a shower together then you give me a back rub then we reminisce about that hot time on holiday… I’ll get in the mood.”

I liken it to going for a run. You may sometimes be spontaneously struck by the desire to go for a run, put on your gear and head out, and return sweaty and euphoric. But more likely, you don’t really feel like it… but you put on your gear and out you go, knowing that before long you’ll be glad you did. Soon you’re feeling good… then great… and you return sweaty and euphoric. Same end result, different routes, both valid and neither ‘better’ than the other.

In fact both desire styles have their best sex when some time has been given to warm up to it (if you’re spontaneous your mind might be saying “yes, let’s do it now!” before the body has caught up).

10. It gets better and better!

You are not in your sexual prime in your 20s… or even your 30s. Women typically tell me that its in their 40s and 50s that they properly hit their sexual stride. Life experience, confidence in one’s body, communication skills, wisdom, and appreciation for what’s important, lead to better experiences.

In your fertile years, estrogen and progesterone make you care what others think and put others first. When levels start to fall off in peri-menopause and menopause? It’s time for your self-loving sexual revolution!

I hope these shares will help you avoid some of the mistakes I made in my 20s and help you achieve peak partnered pleasure earlier than I did. That’s if you want a partner; ultimately, your most important sexual relationship is with yourself… you are your own lover throughout your life.

To great sex, orgasms and more orgasms!

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